9 Things That Will Shock the Fuck Out of You About Heaven

  1. Everyone has either a Freddy Kreuger glove or Wolverine claws – and their assignment is totally random.
  2. No one remembers their middle name from their life on Earth.
  3. Only Pepsi products are available as beverages.
  4. Under no circumstances will you be an Angel – Unless you arm wrestle one of the original angels and win best 3 out of 5.
  5. There are 72 genders in heaven and you have to fornicate with each of the 71 that you are not – weekly.
  6. EVERYTHING smells like Play-Doh – especially urine.
  7. You are allowed to willfully confuse humans by making them hallucinate.
  8. Dude ranches are frowned upon.
  9. Everyone has the ability to make a perfect pie crust from scratch.

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